When a friend loses someone close to them, most people want to help. Yet the instinct to comfort often leads us astray. Grief experts warn that the phrases we reach for in these moments, whilst well-intentioned, frequently inflict additional pain on those already struggling with loss.
It is a natural response when we know someone is upset to want to fix things for them. Following the death of a loved one, however, the reality is that you can't 'fix' their grief. There is nothing you can say that will make a bereaved person feel better about their loss; but there are things you can do to provide comfort and support for them during this difficult time.
The four clichés to sidestep
Phrases that set a timeline for grief rank among the most problematic. Telling someone to take heart because "time heals all wounds" or suggesting they will "get over it in due time" dismisses the non-linear nature of grief. Setting a specific timeframe can make them feel they are failing if things don't improve. In reality, the grieving process is different for everyone and it can take years.
Equally harmful are attempts to find meaning or a silver lining in the death. Phrases such as "everything happens for a reason" or "they're in a better place now" minimise the loss. You must be careful what you say because sometimes what you may think are words of consolation may actually be hurtful to the bereaved person. Saying things like "She is in a better place" or "He's better off" can be offensive. For a person grieving, the better place for a loved one is here, not on the Other Side.
When you start with "at least," you are minimizing your friend's experience and, crucially, imposing a viewpoint that may not ring true. Similarly, statements that compare grief experiences such as "I know exactly how you feel" or suggestions to "be strong" imply there is a correct way to process loss.
Silence, too, carries a message. We may be afraid of saying the wrong thing, so we say nothing at all, which may leave the bereaved person feeling isolated and alone.
What actually helps
The foundation of genuine support is simple: listen. Allow the bereaved person to talk and express their grief in whatever way they need. Concentrate your efforts on listening carefully and with compassion.
Acknowledging the loss without prescribing emotion matters. When someone is grieving, it's important to acknowledge what has happened and express your sympathy. Tell them you are sorry. Acknowledge that their grief is unique to them. It is acceptable to admit you don't have the right words. It's OK to acknowledge that you don't know what to say, says Harris. Your friend will understand that it's hard to get the words right. It also addresses the loss and shows you're not trying to avoid talking about what happened.
Practical support often speaks louder than sentiment. Ask someone who is close to the grieving party what they really need. Meals? House-cleaning? Laundry? Yard work? A massage? These small tangible acts of service speak volumes in times of loss.
Don't shy away from the bereaved person after the funeral. Keep in contact, even just by phone. Never suggest that it's time they 'got over it' and moved on with life. Ongoing presence communicates that the bereaved person's loved one has not been forgotten.
If grief becomes overwhelming, professional support is available. Grief Australia is a leading voice on grief and bereavement, providing evidence-informed counselling, training, and research to collectively strengthen the nation's response to grief. Griefline provides free and confidential information, counselling, and support to people experiencing grief and loss across Australia.
The takeaway is straightforward. Grief is not a problem to solve or a condition to rush through. Grief is an inherently complex and deeply personal experience, varying significantly from one individual to another. It is not a linear process but rather a journey that encompasses a wide spectrum of emotions. People in grief may experience intense sadness, profound anger, unexpected guilt, and even deep-seated confusion. These emotions can fluctuate and intertwine, making the grieving process unpredictable and unique for each person. The greatest kindness is often the willingness to sit with that pain, without trying to diminish it.